


Make me dream at night

by Little_teddybear



Series: Skz appreciation stories [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Childhood Trauma, Dreams and Nightmares, Fluff and Angst, Foster Care, Gen, Other, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2019-11-12 13:22:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18011699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Little_teddybear/pseuds/Little_teddybear
Summary: When you were 13 years old, you were removed from your abusive father. Ever since you were in the system, getting in and out of different foster families, everyone eventually decided they didn't want to be your parent after all. That was until family Bang took you in. Bang Chan, your new older brother was the first one to give you a home and makes you feel like part of a family.But when something that you've done in your past haunts you back to your new home, you're suddenly very sure you're  not welcome anymoreA Y/N angst AU





	1. Part 1 Him

'Daddy, stop please.'

The words seemed to be carved in my mind, though I don't mean it entirely. 'Daddy' as I'm supposed to call him isn't the man in front of me. The 10 seconds that make you a father don't make you a dad, but he won't understand that. He won't ever understand what it means to be a 'daddy'.

I bowed my head even more with my hands on my head, trying to protect myself with my arms. Along with the sound of leather slapping skin, I felt a burning sensation on my forearms, but I learned not to scream. If I did, it would only get worse. 

'DADDY STOP!!' I heard my little sister scream. The rhythmic slapping was disturbed and I looked up to see Anna pulling my father's arm. She kicked and scratched him, eventually taking the belt from my father and throwing it on the ground next to her.

The veins in his neck popped up like it always did when my little sister tried to help me out. She was only 11 but she's seen too much. Our father never treated her right. 

I saw my dad raise his hand and I got up as fast as possible to keep my father from hitting my two year younger sister. I grabbed his arm, holding it tightly, one hand under and one hand above his elbow, squeezing tight so I wouldn't let go. He stopped his actions and relaxed his muscle is surprise, letting me push further than I inteded to, making his arm bow in the wrong direction and making his elbow snap.

He screamed and pushed me away, which made the back of my head hit the table behind me. I moaned in vain but didn't have time to grief. My father stumbled my way. I had almost no time to get up so I was surprised when I got up and in time grabbed Anna's hand and run out of my room. I locked the door and I heard Anna storm off to collect our little brother.

'Jacob! Dad is drunk again!' I heard Anna say and immediately opened the door, taking her in his room. I ran down the stairs and past the kitchen, to Jacob's room. He took me in and then locked his door, turning off all lights and pretend we weren't here.

I grabbed my phone and called the police. When the dispatch finally picked up, I reported child abuse and domestic violence, gave our address and waited until I heard the sirens from afar.

* 

The door closed behind me with a soft click, much to what I'm used to since being transferred to this orphan house.

When the police came that night, Anna, Jacob and I were removed from our homes and put in the system. I suppose my father has been arrested and is in prison now. They took us to a orphanage where foster care worked very close with them. Like a house full of problematic and broken childhoods we were put together in a box, but away from my siblings. 

Anna was 11 and Jacob only 9 when we were removed but I was 13. I wasn't much yet still older than 12. I couldn't go to the same orphanage as my siblings simply because I was too old. 

I looked at the desk in front of me and like many times before, there was a very classy looking woman. Glowing with pride and excitement. Her hair was braided in a neat bun, showing off the pearls around her neck even more. Her dress was, like I predicted, not too long but not too short. Knee length and as always white with some pastel coloured details. In her case, blue flowers. Her designer bag was on the ground next to her 5 inch high heels. She looked like the typical 'mom' that would adopt me.

The man sitting next to her was wearing a suit, like usual but unlike the patterns on his wife's dress, his tie was black. He probably has been scolded by her for this. His hair was gelled to the side and his watch big enough for him to have seen the time without his glasses on.

'Take a seat Y/N.' my councilor told me. She was the one taking me away from my dad and she was the one putting me in this house. In total we were with about 50 teenagers and 10 councilor's. Miss Anderson was mine.

I did as told and sat next to my councilor. And the conversation started.

'Mr and Mrs Jones told us that they want to adopt a girl and as you know, they were interested in you during the compatibility event.'

I just smiled and nodded. I looked at the woman and her ever so bright smile grew broader. 

' So Y/N, we'd like to get to know you better. Tell us about you.' the man said in a voice I didn't expect from him.

'Well, my name is Y/N, I'm 17 years old and my father abused me. What do you want to know.' I said with a smile and the woman's smile faded instantly and got replaced with utter shock. The couple exchanged a look of worry and something I couldn't quite decipher, but I honestly didn't care that much.

I always did this when a new family wanted me. By now I knew that they wouldn't want me and if I pulled something like that, but some tough or 'worried' people still took me. I never wanted that though. Being 17, I was almost released from the system and all I wanted was take my right over my siblings and rent an apartment to live with them. No parent is better for them than me. No parent is better for me than they are. I miss them.

I looked at my councilor and she looked, as per usual, mad at me for reacting that way. I sighed and looked back. 

'Excuse me. She just has gone through a lot.' my councilor excused me, but I shook my head. 

'Well I'm not sorry. It's jot my fault my dad hated me but I'm not sorry for experiencing it. However, I am sorry for not being with my younger siblings anymore.' I thought. They didn't deserve to know, so I sucked it up and instead I said:

'Excuse me. I know it was a bit blunt of me say.' I gave them a brief introduction of myself, hoping not to give too much away. They didn't have to know everything about me, that wouldn't be fair, but enough to keep them satisfied.

The woman's smile grew again.' Thank you Y/N. You seem lovely.' she smiled and took her husband's hand. He returned the smile and they nodded in agreement.

'I think we've made a decision. Would you like to become Y/N Jones?' the man asked me. I smiled and all I could do was nod.

My councilor smiled too and as she took the paperwork, I couldn't help but wonder how long they would last.


	2. Happenings

How much does happiness cost? I remember reading a book about. It was called 'the invoice' written by a Swedish writer who's name I forgot. I loved European literature, though it was mostly about the war.

In the book, the writer talked about getting a fee for living. The air your breathe, the love you feel, the sunshine on your skin, every experience adds to the total money you need to pay. You paid for being happy. 

After that book I never was scared of having that fee and even wondered at what amount I was at. I liked to believe that kids who get in and out of the system like me, have fees written in red. We're more sad and alone than the happiness we experience can make up for, if we ever experience it.

It was times like this where I mentally lowered my fee of happiness. When I heard my new father scream at me for dropping the dishes again. It happened without even trying to make them mad. I usually would look down and take their burns in my brain and if it were over, I'd burn my skin. My stomach was filled with burns and bruises I caused myself, matching the colourful collection on my arms, variating from purple to yellow, painting a sad picture.

I would be scolded again for not being the daughter they want. It would usually not be just about housework, but more about my attitude. That was good. It only proved to me that I wasn't loved and I wasn't lovable. No one cared enough to actually want to help me. No one wanted to clean up the mess that one weird emo girl made. It was easier to pretend you wanted to help her and in the end, be just like the one she got removed from.

Adults are evil. Two faced. Fake. I've experienced it with front row tickets. 

It had nearly been three weeks but I had already been grounded for not listening to their commands, hit because I'm a bad example for their daughter and scolded at least 8 times for being me. My art was ripped apart and I have been treated badly. The usual excuse is that 'they need to get used to me' but I don't buy it. This is not the way to warm up to someone.

I felt alone again and this time I felt like it was time to go again. It had been long enough so when I got upstairs, I did what I always did. I grabbed my backpack and packed my jeans, a shirt, a hoodie and socks, a set of underwear, my phone charger, my teddybear, my wallet and my mother's necklace which holds a photo of Anna, Jacob and me.

I waited until it was night, and when everyone was in their bed, I sneaked out of my window away from the Jones'. 

A few blocks away, there was a bus station and with a bit of running, I got the last bus. I bought a ticket and sat in the back of the bus, plugging my headphones in and blasting some bring me the horizon. My hands grew colder and so I put them in my pockets to keep them there for the rest of the night.

Other than me, there was an old man sitting on the bus, seemingly drunk, but I didn't mention it. When he got on the bus, he looked around and when he saw me, he sat next to me. 

When he started talking, I plugged out one of my headphones and turned my volume down. I shifted my weight somewhat, but didn't make any eye concact.

'You know, for a pretty lady like you, it's dangerous to be out so late.' he said clearly wanting to make eye contact. 'I'm not that desirable.' I told him, but he chuckled a bit.

'Aren't you scared of me?' he asked and I shook my head. Then I looked at him. He had thin black hair, dark cirkels under his eyes and a typical stoner look. He was the type of man mothers would keep their daughters from, but I didn't care as much. Considering I had given up my virginity to a similar guy for the tattoo on my hip, I knew them and I knew they weren't a danger when sober. I shook my head again. 

'Well, I would be scared of me. When I turned 18 I thought I could to all on my own you know? I didn't need parents. Then, I realized I did, but it was too late. My parents didn't want me anymore and now I live off the streets. You better go home. Don't end up like me, you seem like a nice girl.' he said out of the blue, but I could see the regret in his eyes.

'I don't have a home.' I told him and he chuckled again. 'Then get yourself one.' he told me before we grew silent.

Maybe I should get myself a home. Would I end up like this man? We couldn't possibly right? Anna, Jacob and I would survive just fine right? Maybe I did need a home.

The bus driver called my destination and when I stood up, the stranger made some room for me to get out. Before leaving, I told him: 'You know what, I'm going to get myself a home.' and with a smile I left the bus.

From here, it was a small walk to the orphanage and I knew the way like the back of my hand by now. I had walked it one too many times. The streets didn't look so different at night anymore and it scared me how used I got to this sight.

When I got in, I but down my backpack and put on my hoodie as a blanket, using my backpack as a pillow. Everyone would be asleep by now and I should too. I would go inside by the morning, like I always did.

I laid my head down on my backpack, hoping to ignore and hide from the cold and discomfort . It was cold, but not too cold for the Australian summer decided not to be harsh on me tonight.

Before I could completely drift off to sleep, I felt a tap on my shoulder and when I didn't respond, a tug on my arm. I woke up and groaned to the person causing these actions, but when they helped me up, my reflexes were on sharp and I was ready to fight any kidnapper. 

Then I saw the lights were on in the building and the lights reflected on the skin of my 'kidnapper' whose features I immediately recognized. Miss Anderson.

'Come on Y/N, come inside, it's inhuman to let you sleep on the streets.' she said while tugging my arm again. I picked up my backpack from the ground and followed her inside.

'For tonight we dont have a room for you, so you can sleep in my room. The girls sleeping on your ward are asleep now and waking them up at this hour would be cruel, especially with the parents coming tomorrow.' she said as she let me in her room.

'There are actually people who want this many girls?' I asked in confusion.

'No, they just don't have high standards and all those girls fit in their criteria. A 16-18 year old girl. Actually, you fit in their too but I'm not too sure if I want to give you another chance. This is the third family in a year. With one family you couldn't stay a week. Now this. Do you want to be adopted? ' she asked me, but when I wanted to open my mouth and yell her about my plans to find my siblings and take them in as soon as I turn 18, I thought about the words of the homeless stranger in the bus and the promise I made to him. I would find myself a house.

I nodded, trying to swallow the anxiety that seemed to be stuck in my throat. I forced and smile and she smiled back.

'Well, here is my bathroom, if you want to freshen up, you can.' she said, pointing at a door. I Thanked her and went to take a shower. The thought never left my mind. Now I wanted a family, I might not get one because of my behavior in the past. Maybe I wasn't worth a home or a family, I told myself, but when I got out, miss Anderson spoke up.

'Y/N, you have one last chance. You can attend to the meeting tomorrow to meet the new parents. When a parent decides to take you, that'll be your last chance. You're not coming back after you hear me? We won't take you in anymore. Now get some sleep before meeting the parents tomorrow. Dress and act your best. Goodnight sweetie.'


	3. Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to breathe me by sia on repeat while reading this. It gives an extra layer of emotion. Of course it's not needed to understand the chapter

Reality is a weird thing, are we ever conscious of the things around us? Are we ever present? I've once read in an article about how we always live in the past, for it takes our brain to process what we've experiencing a 10th of a second and even if it's only a 10th of a second, what's happening right now is actually the past. According to science we never seem to be present.

But even without science, what is presence? What is reality and what is not? How do I know I'm ever alive and where do I cross the line from reality to dreams when it all seems so real? Or does reality feels like a dream?

Even now, today as I'm standing here. The room without corners and nothing but mirrors and chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. The room that has haunted me forever in my dreams, could it be real this time?

The soft yellow light of the chandeliers made the details on dress shine even more. In the mirror I could see myself but I didn't see 'myself', I only saw a reflection of what I am supposed to be but it's not me. It's not real, is it?

The dress I wore was white, like always. Broken white which danced in a graceful melody along with the soft light shining down on me. Small stones in the fabric reached all the way down to the floor, making the dress look like it glowed rather than glittery. The half long sleeves were lacy and the same pattern seemed to come back at the top, slowly going down while blending in with the stones. It looked stunning. 

My hair was tied up in a classy bun, with 2 locks effortlessly hanging next to my face. I touched it, and it felt like my hair, maybe this was me. I looked back up at the mirror and walked towards it, but when I reached my hand and tried to touch the mirror, I didn't feel anything. I could see I was touching the mirror but I didn't feel the cold class against my skin. I didn't feel any of that. 

I was too focused on my hand to notice my face slowly changing into something I wasn't but rather looked like. This definitely wasn't reality but I realized that too late. I was confronted with my mother's face. My mother, the one who got away. 

I was 6 when I saw her last. She was beautiful. She had half long brown hair that would reach until her waist and it seemed like she was made of sugar. She always smelled sweet like fruits, she had the sweetest and kindest heart of all the people I knew and even her voice was sweet. I remember her always wearing the same red coloured stones in her ears and a matching one around her neck. Red was her favorite colour, but I imagined her always as pink. She was soft and was made from love. I loved her. 

Jacob, my youngest brother was only 2 years old when she.... Disappeared. A week after he stopped needing her mother milk she seemed to be dissolved by the moonlight. The last person to be with her was my father. I knew it since her parfume lingered in his beard. She couldn't have left, her passport and all her clothes were still in the house. Her family was stil in the house. She couldn't have had an accident, because daddy would have told us right? We would have visited her right? 

Moms perfume stayed in his beard for days after it happened but as the smell faded, daddy got stricter. I always noticed daddy being different than other fathers but it was always covered up by moms sugar and love. 

When mom left, the bottles replaced her. At least to daddy. He got addicted to the glass bottles with dark and clear substances. The bottles made him angry, but only after drinking. At first the beatings weren't as bad, because the bottles wouldn't only make daddy angry, but also sad and slow. 

I never minded the beatings and spankings. I made myself believe I deserved them, even when I didn't. As long as he never touched my younger siblings, this was a perfectly fine lifestyle. But then the bottles disappeared. I thought the beatings would too, but as it turned out, daddy didn't need the bottles to beat me. His hands got steadier, his movements faster, and the beatings more painful. I did still believe I deserved them, even when the beatings slowly transferred from not only being on my skin but also in my skin. The only reason for me to fight back was when he started touching Anna and Jacob too. 

It wasn't until his father stayed at our house for a week when we were saved from daddy's hands. I was 10 years old. Grandpa told him to stop, it wasn't good to us, but he never came back after to check up on us. Daddy slowly started drinking again when I was 12 and by the time I was 13, the beatings started again. That was when we decided to call the police on him and we were saved from him only to be ripped apart and experience it all over again with new fathers. 

I don't know what my father did to my mother that night, but considering what he did to us, it couldn't have been good. 

My mother's face slowly disappeared again, leaving my face to be shown in the mirror in front of me. That is where the air suddenly left my lungs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay yeah, this chapter was inspired by mirror by stray kids, Sue me. Also, if you dont know the song, go listen to it.  
> I'm sorry it was short but very necessary for the rest of the story, keep that in mind. 
> 
> For those who didn't understand the reference: 'the beatings slowly transferred from not only being on my skin but also in my skin' it means that he started raping her, but I wanted to keep it PG13


	4. Chosen

'Y/N wake up!' I heard miss Anderson beside me. I opened my eyes, panting and breathing heavily. My cheeks and pillow wear drenched in tears and I felt horrible.

'Did you have a nightmare?' she asked with worry in her eyes, yet having a steady voice. I shook my head. It wasn't a nightmare, it just sparked up bad memories.

'No, it's the usual dream.' I told her. I tried to wipe off the tears and rub my eyes before getting up and walk over to the bathroom to wash my face. The cold water helped the panic in my throat calm down and I felt a bit more relaxed after drying my face and breathing a few times deeply. Before I could start my routine, miss Anderson interrupted me.

'Y/N sweetie, you need to hurry up. The parents are here for their interview with you and your ward in 15 minutes. Make yourself look awake and presentable. I have some make up in the bathroom if you would like to use it and make sure you're ready.' she said before taking off. She probably didn't expect an answer, but I yelled a 'Yes ma'am' before I heard the door closing again.

I turned around again and looked at myself. I looked tired and sick. I looked a mess so I got to work. After brushing my teeth I decided to use something on my face to make it look like I at least had a good night rest, moisturizer and mascara seemed to do the trick. I looked fresher and less tired, but still unpresentable..

Never had I ever cared this much about an interview. I usually saw that as a joke and regardless of weather they wanted me or not, they were gonna have me leave in a few weeks anyways and sometimes it went so fast they'd even get their money back.

But now, the words from the stranger on the bus spooked around in my head and all I could hear were his warnings of not leaving the parental house at 18, thinking you have it all figured out because you don't. I had to get myself a house like I promised the man. I had to do good.

The only clothes I had with me were my jeans, a shirt, my hoodie and the clothes I wore yesterday. I decided to just wear the shirt and jeans as the combo looked casual and not too bad and then brush my hair. I put it up in a ponytail and looked at the end result. Not bad. I looked at the time on my phone. 7 minutes until they were here. I quickly put on my mother's necklace and run downstairs.

When coming in the kitchen, I was overwhelmed with the salty smell of vegemite mixed with the sweet smell of Nutella. The girls were having breakfast.

I had only a few minutes left before the interview and the girls knew that too, stuffing their mouths as much as they could without ruining their make up, or tried to at least.

I looked at all the girls, who weren't even surprised to see me by now. They knew I would always come back to this place. Nancy, sitting next to me, was the only one who greeted me. 'Hi Y/N, I suppose they weren't nice?' she asked me with some doubt in her eyes. It looked like she didn't quite know how to approach it. I nodded, taking a bit from my sandwich and she smiled. Nancy is a little angel, always caring and kind towards others. She didn't desvere to be in an orphanage like she was, and the fact she has been in here for 16 years without anyone wanting to adopt her, was horrible. She deserved this family more than I did.

Oppose me sat Jade. She was always fake and pretended to be someone she was not, trying to be liked. I knew by sharing a room with her for 4 years now, that she was deep down very insecure and just wanted to be liked. I tried connecting with her, but she never let me in so after some time, I gave up.

Next to Jade, we had Emma. Emma was quite new and I had no idea what she was like, since we didn't have that much time spent together. Emma looked very appealing and smart, so it surprised me that she wasn't adopted yet. 

I looked around, but didn't see the last person missing. 'Where's Hayley?' I asked Nancy. She looked up at me again and blinked before realizing I wasn't here the last 2 weeks.

'Hayley was claimed 2 weeks ago. Her uncle appearantly had custody over her and came to pick her up. 

We used to share our ward with 5 girl, Nancy, Jade, Emma, Hayley and me. Now we were just with the 4 of us and maybe after today with only 3.

The kitchen door opened and I looked behind me to see miss Anderson standing in the doorframe. 'Girls, wrap it up. The parents are here.' more words weren't needed as we all got up and put our plates and cups in the sink. Today we didn't have to do the dishes so we honestly didn't care as much.

When we were done, miss Anderson escorded us to her office. When we came in, two people seated. There were more chairs places in the room, as we needed not the usual 4 but 7 chairs.

The couple existed out of a woman and a man, both Asian looking but I wasn't sure where they were from. The woman looked so much different from the usual woman that would come here and pick us up. She wore a jeans and sneakers, but somehow made it look classy. Her hair was tied up in a ponytail and her and she wore minimal makeup, which made her face look cute. She didn't wear the usual pearls, but a rather subtle silver necklace. She did wear a flowy white shirt with blue flowers on them. That was the only thing that made her look like a mother coming to adopt a child,or at least the typical mom that would come here.

The man, her husband I'm assuming, wore jeans like his wife and a shirt on top with a jacket layering his outfit. He didn't wear the usual suit and tie and he even wore sneakers. I instantly liked them. They didn't seem fake, like they wanted to brag to their friends about doing a good deed and bringing a kid in the house that wasn't theirs and then taking care 'as of their own' which never happened. I didn't expect this from them either, but I felt a more genuine atmosphere around them. As if they wanted to adopt a child, not just to brag but actually do something good.

Miss Anderson signaled to sit down so I pulled the nearest chair and sat down. I sat oppose to the man, on the outer left side of the table. He looked over at me and when we made eye contact, he smiled. I was taken aback, the fact that he was trying to be nice seemed unknown. I smiled back, but I assume it looked weakly and he went on to Emma, which made sense to me. Emma was great competition and I felt subconscious immediately.

I looked down, not knowing what to do in this situation. I usually didn't know I had competition and the anxiety started creeping up.

'So girls, this Mr. And Mrs. Bang. They'd like to adopt a girl like you.' miss Anderson said and I could hear the smile in her words.

I chuckled, looking up. 'Like a gun.' I let out quietly, but the rest of the room heard me, considering the gasps from the girls sitting next to me. I looked at Emma and I could read what she thought in her eyes. 'How could you be so disrespectful' was the atmosphere in the room, but before I could apologize, the woman bursted out in laughter. 'Yeah, like a gun.' she was looking at her husband who seemed to be smiling in amusement as well.

The rest of the conversation went as good as the usual conversations went. I knew I screwed up and when we walked out the door, I was mad at myself. These parents looked like actually decent people and I managed to not get the part. Miss Anderson told us to wait outside until Mr. And Mrs. Bang were ready. We'd know today who would be adopted or if anyone at all would be adopted and we'd be picked up tomorrow. That's how things go. They do all the paperwork today and tomorrow we'd be gone. 

In the big room (which is actually just a living room but than for everyone so we called it to its size) we waited and I saw the girls take out their phones or talk to each other. The only one other than me who looked like she knew she screwed up was Nancy. So she sat next to me.

'I fucked up is bad.' she spoke and I was shocked by the curse word she used. I shook my head.

'No honey, I did. I associated their last name with a gun, I mean who does that!' 

'Hey, they at least laughed.' she brushed it off like it was nothing and after that we both just stared at the door until she spoke up.

'Do you have your phone with you? I want to listen to music but I forgot my phone upstairs.' she spoke. I checked my pockets and opened it on YouTube. She plugged her headphones in and she offered my one, which I took. Withing seconds I heard happy song by bring me the horizon blast through her headphones and she let out a scream. 

'I thought this was a happy song.' she said and I just laughed. Yet she stayed with the song, maybe even liking it. Before the song came to an end, miss Anderson opened the door and looked at us. She pointed at me. 'Y/N, would you kind coming in?'

Nancy and I exchanged glances and I nodded, unplugging Nancy's headphones. While getting up, I felt Jade's eyes burn in my back. If you were called it usually meant something right.

When I walked in again, Mr. And Mrs. Bang looked smilingly at me.' Hi sweetie, sit down.' the woman said and I did as told, still astonished by the opportunity.

'Well, considering the duration of your stay here, I suppose you know that it means being called in but I will address it anyways. Y/N, we've got good news for you. Mr. And Mrs. Bang would love to adopt you.' miss Anderson said and though I knew, I couldn't help the euphoria spreading through my body. A warm feeling found its way to my throat and I let out a giggle, burying my head in my hands.

'Thank you.... Thank you so much.' I said trying hard not to break my voice. I looked up again at the still smiling parents.

'Are you okay?' the man asked me. I looked at him and nodded. 'So miss Anderson told us that we can take you with us tomorrow. We have finished the paperwork and we can come back tomorrow to pick you up at any time. How about you give us your phone number and we'll have contact?' I nodded, not trusting my voice.

After a deep breath I wanted to take my phone out of my pocket but it was empty. I remembered leaving it with Nancy so she could listen to music.

'I left my phone with Nancy, is it okay if I grab it real quick?' I asked and miss Anderson nodded. 'Of course.'

I got up and opened the door, but when I closed it again, a mad Jade was waiting for me. 

'I see that they chose you. Are happy now? Wasting our chance on having parents just so you can leave them in a few weeks again?' she hissed at me. Ignore, I whispered to myself. Ignore. Ignore. 

'Are you happy now-' Ignore '-to have a chance and ruin it again?' ignore. 'You really should be punished-' ignore '-For not respecting your adoptive parents. You know, you're really wanted appearantly and it's such a pity you don't appreciate what you have.' I walked up at Nancy, trying to get her attention. She looked up and unplugged one headphone. 

'Hey, I need my phone.' I said and she nodded. She stopped the music and detached her headphones from my phone. As I turned around, I felt all the euphoria and warmth leave my body. Everything that my new parents caused me was all gone now.

'But oh, that's none of my business.' Jade said with a smirk, knowing she got to me and walked up stairs to our shared room.

I walked back in and gave them my phone number. They promised me to text me when they are here to pick me up and then they both got up and shook miss Anderson' s hand. Then the woman turned to me. She grabbed stroke my hair as she spoke. 'I'm really happy we found someone. I'll see you tomorrow, untill then take care.' she said with a smile and leaned in for a hug. She smelled like something sweet and she immediately reminded me of how my mother used to smell.

'Goodbye sweetie.' she whispered in my hair and when she let go, her husband came to substitute and when he let go, he pat my head. 'Goodbye Y/N, I can't wait to take you in.' he said and they both walked out with miss Anderson. When miss Anderson closed the door behind her I walked back to the desk we sat around just a minute ago. The memories of my mother flooded back and it got me weak in the knees. They left just in time because a second later I broke down in tears.


	5. Part 2 them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yes, this says part 2. The first part of the story was about her abusive father and part two is about her new life with Chan and his family. Also, I DON'T KNOW HIS PARENTS' NAMES so excuse me, I will make something up and hope for the best...  
> Anyway, won't hold you any longer, I do hope you have enjoyed this story so far and now let's get into the story ^^

The next morning I woke up with a smile. Today was the day of my new life. Today, my parents would come and pick me up. I didn't realize how lucky and happy I felt untill I saw myself in the mirror.

My hair was still hanging lifeless around my face, but my eyes were no longer empty. The dark circles under my eyes weren't as dark as I remember and my cheeks showed a healthy pinkish glow. I looked happy. 

 

'Smile, that makes the picture complete.' a voice behind me said. Nancy was still only dressed in her Pyjama's, but her voice sounded like she was awake for hours.

'Thank you.' I said whole heartedly and hugged her.

'Wow, even a hug.' she joked. I nodded and stroke her hair, like Mrs. Bang did yesterday. 

'Wow, Mr. And Mrs. Bang really did change you already. I have faith in this family. I will miss you my friend.' she said. Sadness took over her voice but her face stayed stable.

I let go and led her to my bed. I sat down and patted the empty spot next to me. She did as told and leaned onto my shoulder.

'Don't worry sweetie. I hope to be gone forever from this place but I might not. You know as good as me how many times I've come back. Don't be sad. You're the second oldest of us and withing a year you're old enough to leave this place. You will get out of here with an amazing family or a little later living on your own. You will get out of here, soon. I promise you that. And about me, we will always stay in contact. You're pretty much the only person I had next to miss Anderson who is obligated to be here for me. We will stay in touch, you're my best friend.'

She looked up at me poked my cheek.' Yeah! Best friends, forever. ' she held her pinky out.' And always.' I replied, hooking my pinky around hers. We bursted out in giggles and fell back onto the bed, looking at the ceiling. We'd usually went stargazing, watching the ceiling and imagining the stars above it.

We laughed and talked and cuddled until my phone started buzzing. It was an unknown number and I hesitated a bit before picking up. 

'Eh, hello, who is this?' I asked unsure. The person on the other side has a deep voice with a boyish undertone. He had a warm and soft voice. One that catches you off guard when listening to it. 

'Hi Y/N, I'm Chris, Chris Bang. I had to call you and let you know my parents and I will be picking you up within half an hour. See you then.' his voice cheered a little when he said 'see you then' and it was cute.

'Oh, o-okay, see you then. Goodbye!' I answered. He told me goodbye before hanging up and I dropped my phone immediately and ran to the bathroom.

'Who was that?' Nancy asked from behind. 'I'm guessing my older brother since he said his name was Chris Bang and he would pick me up with his parents.' I said with my toothbrush in my mouth.

She nodded and looked a little sad before turning away again. I quickly finished up brusing my teeth, washing my face and putting on the little makeup I owned. Then I turned to my room. My jeans were still wet so I couldn't wear them today. I folded them and put them in the backpack I came with.

'Do you need some clothes?' Nancy asked when she saw me look around the room for some jeans. I nodded but then changed my mind.

'How will I be able to give them back?' I asked. She shook her head. 'Don't worry about it. Keep them, wait.' she told me before rummaging in her closet. After a minute she grabbed a dress. I usually don't wear dresses, jeans are usually more comfortable and I can't hide my insecurities in a dress, in jeans I can.

'Are you okay? You're looking at it like it's a foreign animal. It's just a dress! Wait, here try it on.' she said, handing the dress over. Again I looked at it, but I didn't have much time left so I stepped in the dress and zipped it up. 

'It looks great on you.' Nancy said. She looked at me like proud mother would look at their child's first drawing to them. 'Keep it.' she said. I nodded and hugged her one more time. 'Thank you. We will stay in touch!' I said as I ran downstairs to have some type of breakfast before my phone rang again. Chris.

'Hi Chris!' I answered while I tried to fit my half eaten sandwich in a ziplock bag I found somewhere in the kitchen. There was some shifting in the other side of the line, as if the phone was being transferred from one person to another.

'Hello Y/N sweetie! It's Miyoung We are there soon. I know we still need to have a conversation with miss Anderson, so we'll do that first before we can go home, so we'll meet you inside. Goodbye!' a cheerful Mrs. Bang said and after telling her goodbye, I quickly went over to the miss Anderson. The only people I felt like some sort of connection or love with are Nancy and miss Anderson. Nancy would have to get ready for work and she'd probably left by now, but I didn't see any trouble in spending my last few moments in this house with miss Anderson.

I followed the familiar path from the kitchen to the office of my councilor and knocked on the door. 'Come in.' she spoke and I walked in. The chairs were still seated the way she left them yesterday, not bothering to put them back or maybe just not wanting to. She looked up and smiled at me when she saw me.

'Well Y/N, in all the years I've been your councilor I don't think I've ever seen you wear a dress.' she looked me up and down and finally back to my face. As she did, I didn't dare to move so I stood there frozen. 'It suits you, it makes you look softer. You seem happier today.' she said. I smiled at the ground and held tightly onto the hem of my dress. I wasn't used to compliments. 'Come, sit! Are you excited?' she asked. The work she did was left abandoned on her desk since she put all her attention on me. Her eyes were filled with something I couldn't quite understand nor place.

I walked to the chairs that were laced in front of me and suddenly got hit my the memory of the first time I was adopted. The family was not too bad at first, I even had siblings, but none of them were like Anna or Jacob. No one can replace them, that's for sure. I remember being excited for the siblings hoping they'd give me a bit of relief from all this new stuff. I remember being scared of the father and when I caught myself I realized I compared my own family too much to them. But they weren't my family. That was made very clear when I was told to just shut up everytime I wanted to say something. Every time I wanted to do something, they'd find something else for me to do and I wasn't sure if they hated me or just wanted a free maid.

'Hey what happened?' she asked and I realized how my excitement suddenly had disappeared. I shook my head, brushing it off because I didn't want to think about it. 'It's nothing. Yeah, I am excited to go actually.' I said. I tried forcing a smile but it didn't seem to work. She didn't have much time to contemplate since a knock was heard on the door.

'Come in!' miss Anderson said and the door opened to reveal the two people who I would call parents from today on. I smiled and got up to hug Mrs. Bang and I felt all the warmth again when she hugged me back. 

'Hello!' I said in almost the same excitement in which I woke up this morning. 'Y/N, now I need to speak your parents alone for a while. Would you mind going outside?' miss Anderson said behind. I shook my head and grabbed my backpack I left on the ground.

'Oh! Then you can go meet Christopher. He is outside.' Mrs. Bang said. 

'Ehm... Sure.' the words left my mouth before really thinking about it. Who was Christopher really? I swung my backpack over my shoulder and made my way towards the entrance of the building. Outside where a few cars parked, but it was mostly empty as it was a Wednesday and most people in the street would be at work by now. Which car was theirs?

I realized I didn't ask but I couldn't exactly go back and ask since that would interrupt their conversation so I just stood there awkwardly looking at my surroundings. Then I spotted a boy. He was dressed in a black shirt and jeans, focused on his phone. He leaned against his car but he didn't spot me yet.

'Ehm, hi, are you Christopher?' I leaned down a bit so I could me some eye contact and he looked up from his phone, right at me. I wasn't sure how to react but it was obvious that he was the son of Mr. Bang. His eyes and nose looked as if copied but the kind glance in his eyes were from his mother. As soon as he saw me he smiled at me, showing his dimples. He looked older, a young man whereas I'm still a girl.

'Hi! Yeah, are you Y/N?' he asked me and his smile grew when I nodded. I extended my hand and he shook it. 'Nice to meet you, Chris.' 'I've actually ben waiting to meet you.' his phone was still in his hand, unlocked, and when let go of my hand, it went to his phone again but his eyes never left me.

'Well now you've met me. You can go back to what you were doing if you like.' I said awkwardly but he shook his head. 'No, like I said, I wanted to meet you.' he locked his phone and put it in his back pocket. 'So Y/N, tell me about yourself.' it was usually at this point I would try and scare the person away. I would tell them about my abusive father, my siblings and the various families I've been in, but I didn't. Something in his eyes felt genuine, like he was actually curious about me and didn't just ask out of politeness. Maybe I should trust him, maybe I shouldn't but what was there to loose? He was going to be my brother anyways so I chose to trust him. But not too much.

I walked over to the empty spot next to him hoping he didn't mind me standing so close but he didn't shift so it seemed he didn't care as much. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked down at me. It was obvious now that I was a bit shorter and it felt weird to look up to him physically. 

'Ehm, well, I'm Y/N. I guess.... I guess I like reading, my favorite colour is green. Oeh I love chocolate.... What exactly do you want to know?' I laughed nervously. It was hard answering these type of questions. It seemed as if you didn't know yourself at all. ' Well, let's start with if this is all you have?' he asked and nodded at my backpack, still hanging on by now one shoulder. What was I going to answer. If I'd say yes, which is the truth, he was going to ask me where all my other stuff was or at least why I had so little with me and I had to explain that I ran away from my former fosterparents. What if he'd tell his parents? What if they'd then decide to put me back? I tried not to show it too much but the anxiety took over a little. I remember what miss Anderson told me to do in these type of situations. Breathe, keep breathing. Everything will be fine as long as you kept breathing. So I did and as I did I remembered the promise I just made to myself. I was going to trust Chris and trust on the fact that he wouldn't tell his parents about my former fosterparents.

'Yeah. I guess I only have the necessities. Toothbrush, clothes, phonecharger, those kind of things.' he blinked a few times before staring into the distance. 'Wow, my little sister needs more than that when she's staying the night at her best friend's house, nevermind moving somewhere else.' he had a little sister? I couldn't help but let the thought take me over and my memories went from Chris to Anna.

'You have a little sister?' I asked. I heard my voice crack a little as I asked but I didn't care. My voice was small and he seemed to notice because when he looked back at me his eyes were filled with sympathy. I felt even smaller with him looking down at me and I needed him to tell me about her, just so I could imagine him talking about Anna. 'Tell me about her.' I didn't wait for him to nod to my prior question, I just needed him to tell me about her.

'Well, her name is Hanna-' boem, the damage had been done. His Anna was called Hannah. How could it be that in the one family I wanted to be in, the younger daughter was called Hannah? It felt like the universe was laughing at me right now, as if it wanted me to suffer no matter where I was. '-and she's 15 years old now. She just turned 15.' this hurt way too much at this point. The air had left my lungs again and the tears were stuck in my throat. I looked down at my shoes as he talked, trying hard not to spill any tears. His voice was soothing and the smile was visible in his tone. He talked about her hobbies and school and what she was like. Hearing it all hurt in my chest. Knowing I wouldn't be able to talk about my Hannah like that hurt even more. I didn't even know who she was now as it had been almost 4 years since I'd seen her last. Since I could hold her and protect her from all bad. Heck I didn't even know if she was being treated well in her family or if she was in one at all. I didn't know if she was doing good in school. I didn't know what her favorite movies was, not if she has had a boyfriend yet, what she'd dream about at night, I couldn't comfort her when she thought of mom or give her boy advice or tell her everything she needed to know when puberty hit. I was supposed to be her older sister, that was my job assigned to me at birth and I couldn't do any of the things an older sister was supposed to know or do. I was useless, because all I was good for, all I had was gone. My siblings were gone.

'Are you okay?' I didn't even notice Chris stopped talking until his voice started again. My eyes were filled with tears and I quickly wiped them away, trying not to smudge my make up. I snorted and hummed a jttkw in response, but he didn't take it. 'Y/N, what's wrong?' he sounded concerned but somehow it felt fake. He only knew me for approximately 10 minutes. He couldn't care about me already.

'Yeah I'm fine.' I tried to control my voice but it just sounded harsh and..... Broken. It sounded exactly how I felt. He seemed to be taken aback by the tone of my response but didn't seem to know what to do. I didn't blame him. Instead he just looked up and then got in the car. Did he really leave? I knew it, he couldn't have cared. Yet I grieved. The thought of him leaving felt lonely and cold. There was something about him that was soothing and calming. He felt stable and that was nice for once. 'I'm sorry, don't leave please.' I hoped he would get out but he didn't. Instead he just pointed at the distance where I saw his parents walk towards us. 'Don't worry. I'm just getting in the car because our parents are here. You should get in the car too.' he smiled again and my sadness felt a bit better. Did he really say our parents?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I know this sucks but I really do hope you guys enjoy! Also, leave me a comment and tell me what you think. If there are any things you want to happen, let me know. I'd love to hear from you guys  
> Xx Angie


	6. new

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so again, I have no knowledge about Chan's parents, siblings (other than their name and age but only of his siblings) and I know nothing about his house or where he lives. All that I write in this story is based off of my own imagination or assumptions. Anyway, hope you enjoy!

We finally arrived, it felt unreal still. It didnt seem like it was actually happening, but more like I was dreaming. Much like the dreams of my mother's face when I'm in that white dress, or dreams where I meet my brother and sister again, but it also felt like the numbness of my father's beatings and I knew those were real considering the bruises I'd have for days. Maybe this was real too. Chris parked the car and for the first time I looked out of the window to see a row of houses standing in front of me. The neighbourhood seemed respectable, fine, normal. Nothing to worry about, nothing to fear. I didn't know which house was going to be the one I'd stay in because each house resembled each other but that didn't matter. All that mattered was that I had a house now. 

'We're here!' Mr. Bang said looking back at me in excitement. He was seated in the front seat, next to Chris and I sat in the back with his wife. 'Are you ready to go inside?' he asked me. The tempation to say no was big but I didn't want to be witty with them right now. I was scared they'd drive me back, so instead of telling him no and waiting for his response, I nodded and everyone got out of the car. Suddenly I was confronted with the many houses around me and I didn't know what to do. I felt a little lost and scared, thinking I might walk into the wrong house so I walked behind Chris like a little child following it's parent until we finally stopped at one of the many copies. 

Like all the others, this house looked big and I knew I'd get lost so I counted how many houses were on the right side until the end of the street. 7 to be exact.

When I stepped foot in the house, I realized how big it was. For a few seconds it reminded me of my old house, but that faded away when I heard Mrs. Bang's voice. 'And? What do you think?' She again smiled brightly and her voice was sweet. I nodded and smiled. 'It's really nice.' I looked around. There was a little space where we came in and we took off our shoes, but it didn't have a door to close it off. You could immediately see the hard wooden floor, the white leather couch in the living room and a small coffetable on a red sqaure carpet. There were roses on the table. They looked real, but didn't have water in the vase.

It gave a sweet and housy atmosphere, making the scene a lot more comfortable than what I was used to in the orphanage. 'Come in, its your home now.' Mr. Bang said with a soft smile. I stepped foot in the house, but wasn't sure of what I was allowed to do, so I took off my shoes and sat down on the edge of the couch. I looked at my hands. The couch dipped down next to me and the black ripped jeans of earlier were suddenly visible. 'It's awkward, isn't it?' He asked. I looked at him, his brown eyes inviting and comforting, nonetheless playful. I nodded and looked down again. I hadn't even seen the girl and boy sitting on the couch, until their mother told them to introduce themsleves. 

I laid eyes upon the girl of the duo, who spoke up first. She had a sweet and youthful face, a nearly copy of her mother, but in her eyes it was obvious she felt the same way about the situation as I did, awkward and unsure of what to do. 'Hi, I'm Hannah.' she said. She looked younger than me, but not too much and I couldn't help but think of Anna, her name, her age, it was all so similar. I softened and didn't leave my gaze. She seemed to notice and looked away, as though I were a creep, which I could understand, but I didn't find it in me to care. Before the boy could speak, I interrupted him. 'How old are you, Hannah?' I asked her, still not letting my gaze wander somewhere else. 'I, ehm.. I'm 15?' She said unsure, what sounded more like a question rather than anything else.

I nearly lost it. It has to be a joke. I couldn't accept having another sister, with a similar name, the same age. I couldn't bare to become close to her just to lose her again. And then again, maybe she wouldn't leave? Maybe she would be my little sister. Could she be? I hadn't notice I was this upset until Chris wiped away a tear from my cheek. I wiped them away myself, snorted and smiled. 'I'm sorry.' I said in a somewhat broken voice.

The girl seemed in shock and I probably seemed like a weirdo, I was aware of that. 'Are you okay?' The still unintroduced boy had soft and big eyes. I blinked away the blurriness of my tears and looked more closely at him. He looked a lot like Chris, to the point that even the clothes he wore looked similar. He reminded me of my own little brother. I wondered what he would be like now and I wondered what he would think of me. I wondered if this boy would accept me as a big sister just like my Jacob had. I smiled and nodded frantically, but no one seemed convinced. ' I'm Lucas.' He introduced himself. I smiled at both of the new family members. As though he knew I were to ask him, he answered me.' I'm 13.' The quick addition made me laugh somewhat audible and Mrs. Bang let out a small sigh of relief.

'How about you check out your new room? Now you've met everyone. You'll be sharing a room with Hannah.' Mr. Bang said. He said something in a language I didn't understand and he nodded. Chris got up and grabbed my backpack, helping me and led me to the huge stairs that would lead to my new room.

He opened the door and stepped aside, giving me room to step into the room. It was a typical teenage girls room. It had a few posters of music bands I didn't know, two beds, one made up perfectly neat, the other one messed as though someone just woke up from it. It had a closet to the end of the bed and next to the door there was a desk, which was cleaned up and on the other part of the room, there was a mirror. Other than that it was entirely blank and empty. It felt like they didn't want to fill it it, leaving it for me to fill in or maybe scared I wouldn't like it. 

Chan gave me my backpack and smiled at me. 'I'll let you settle in.' He said while padding my shoulder, but almost immediately pulling back, somewhat scared to touch me, like I was vulnerable or breakable. I'm not. Why did he do that? Yet I smiled back and nodded, walking over to the bed that was supposedly mine. He walked out of the room and closed the door behind me. Almost immediately as he did, I heard a whisper of Hannah. 'Do I really have to share a room with her?' 'Yes you do. She needs somewhere to sleep.' I could clearly make out that Mrs. Bang was being very strict on her daughter about this. 'Can't she sleeps in Chan's room? I mean, he's 21, shouldn't he be looking for his own apartment anyways?' She tried and I scoffed a bit. 'Chan is staying at home until he's at least finished his school.' Her mother made out. Hannah let out a whine before speaking again. 'Come on. Everyone saw how she looked at me. What if she does something weird at night?' She said. 'She has been through some stuff. Give her the time to get used to this new situation, after that she will not look at you like that and I'm right beside your room. I will be there whenever something happens.' I couldn't decide if it was Chris or his father. 

She made another whine and opened the door I was looking at, making her look right into my eyes as she walked in. She noticeably felt uneasy and looked away immediately. 'Ehm, hi. Y/N, if was. Right?' I nodded and looked away, unsure of how to make her feel better. 'Good talk.' she whispered and I laughed loudly. Her face looked shocked and she froze on the spot. 'You know, you don't have to be afraid of me. I know what kind of impression I left behind. I just.... It's complicated, but I would never hurt you! I promise!' I exclaimed, trying to make her feel at ease. She looked somewhat scared at me, but that would get better hopefully. 'Do you want to know why I looked at you like that?' she nodded and I smiled at her again. 'Relax a bit. I won't hurt you, really. It's just.... I have a little sister like you, called Anna. She would br 15 now, too. You remind me so much of her and I just.... I just miss her so much.' I said. Her gaze softened and she walked up closed to me, to sit oppose me, on her own bed.

'Are you upset she couldn't come with you? I mean, I'm sure we can trade Lucas for Anna.' she said, smilingly. I laughed at her. 'I wish it was like that. And no! Lucas seems like a really sweet guy.' she snorted. 'Seems, key word.' She responded and we both laughed. 'I guess I just need to get to know him.' I added and she nodded. 'Yeah, do that.' she laughed awkwardly. She didn't ask about Anna after that anymore, which I liked. She did point out the amount of stuff I had with me, but I didn't bother. After, she didn't bring it up anymore.

That night, I wanted to take a shower, just to warm up my skin and to feel clean. I had a set of underwear with me, but I didn't have pyjama's with my unfortunately. In the orphanage, that would be totally normal and acceptable, but I came to realize, it didn't work like that in here. There were 3 men in the house and that made it impossible for me to walk around the house without proper clothing. I looked through the clothes Hannah had, not really wanted to invade her space, but I soon found out she had a smaller size than me and wearing her clothes would not work out. I was too scared to go up to my new parents and ask for some clothing. They already took me in. It was my responsibility that I didn't have enough stuff with me. It wasn't their part to buy me new clothes, that would be too much.

Yet I still needed clothes. I didn't know where to get them. And then I realized. The only person I felt somewhat comfortable with was Chris. Maybe he wouldn't mind if I took his clothes. I sneaked out of my new room and looked around. The hallway led to a few more rooms, all the bedrooms and the bathroom that had been showed to me. Before I could open the door next to mine however, Mrs. Bang held me back. 'HI, Y/N. Dinner is ready, will you come eat with us?' I blinked with my eyes a few times before nodding softly.

She took my hand and it felt..... Accepting, comforting. Did she actually invite me to have dinner with them? It had never happened before. I usually would have been given an assigned time I were able to eat and that would never be with everyone. I wasn't welcome to eat with everyone else. It was alright, I was used to it and now it somehow felt as more than I deserved.

When I came downstairs, I saw all of them looking at me and it hit me. They tried their hardest to make me feel at ease. Their smiles, their soft voices, their glances. Was it all an act? Did they genuinely want me to be here or did they just want to think they wanted me here? Did they actually care about me? Did they actually like me? Dinner went different than I was used to. Normally, I would never hear about school, about friends of my siblings, if the things that happened to them and yet they talked about it as though it was all they were used to. All they knew. During dinner I was told I would enroll in the same school Hannah went to. Chris already finished his high school and Lucas wasn't old enough, but I would be going to high school, starting the next day. 

Their dinner felt warm and nice and I loved being part of the company. I never mixed in the conversation and only spoke when someone would ask me, which they found weird. Nonetheless, it was nice. Something I had never had before. 


	7. Clothes 1

After I was finished eating, I exused myself from the table early. I wanted to give them their own family time, it shouldn't be me who's ruining their family bonding time, especially not after what they had done for me. I still had the problem of not knowing what I had to wear to bed. I knew I could just hide myself? Maybe not. It wasn't as though I would never see them. I walked in and out my new room, back and forth to the bathroom when my eye fell on Chris' room. I learned his room was next to Hannah's and Lucas' room was next to his parent's room. He was the youngest, it made sense they wanted him close. 

Everyone was downstairs still, eating and laughing. Softly talking to each other. They wouldn't notice me going to his room and snatching a pair of sweatpants and maybe a shirt that would actually fit me. I walked to his room this time, instead of Hannah's and gripped around the doorhandle, carefully watching the stairs for any sign of life. Nothing to be seen and so I pushed down the handle and stepped inside. His room had a strong scent, but one that didn't bother. It was hot in there, what was what I noticed even before opening the door completely. His curtains were half closed, letting the light of the nearly set sun in, drawing figures in shades of Grey and black in his room. He had a bed under his window, on the far wall, a desk to the left wall with an unclosed laptop on it, headphones attached to it and some papers scattered on his desk. He had some shelfs above it with a lot of medals and cups, some looking bigger than others. He had a bookshelf oppose his desk, filled with anything but books, except for the lowest shelf. His closet was next to the door, on its left side. His entire room had shades of dark blue and black, though his walls were painted white.

I turned around and opened the closet next to me. I was greeted by countless of black clothing, organized in shirts, pants on the shelf under it and hoodies, which hang. He had some shoes under his hoodies, but everything was black. I reached for a hoodie that didn't have a zipper in it and hopefully sweatpants, which I selected by the way the fabric felt. I left his room as fast as I could, hopefully without notice and showered as quick as I could. 

-

I found myself in the room without corners again. The dimly lit room looked soft and familiar. My eyes searched the room, in hopes to find the mirror, which I found. I looked at the white dress that reached all the way to the ground, glistening due to the beautiful stones and lace like sleeves that reached my elbows and looked at myself. I felt excited, knowing I'd see my mother, knowing I'd be with her, knowing I may become her. I let go tension I didn't realize I had in me. I felt more comfortable and happy than I had felt in days, weeks even. Ever since the last day I had dreamed of my mother. I spun around, looking at how the dress blew up softly. I brushed my fingertips along the fabric as it fell down again around my body. I looked up and saw my own face still. I walked up to the mirror I saw in front of me and tried laying my hand on it. As expected, my hand didn't touch the cool class, it ran through it and I smiled to myself.

My face turned into my mother's face, my smile stayed as excited as it had always been. I knew that the moment my face would change, the air would leave my lungs, but I didn't care. I needed to see my mother and that was all that mattered. First, my lips changed, my nose changed, but that didn't need much adjustment and then my eyes, which stayed the same. My face shape changed slightly and slimmed down a bit. The rosy aura drizzled around me, thick and sweet like honey. 'Hi mom.' I whispered to my mother in front of me. She smiled at me, right in time, before my lungs seemed to fail on me again.

-

I woke up, coughing, sitting up immediately. My lungs felt as though I couldn't fill them, and no matter how much I gasped for air. Tears filled my eyes and I tried grabbing something to hold onto, that could give me balans. I panicked even more when I couldn't find anything to grab. The door opened audibly and footsteps made its way to my bed. A big hand reached my back and another one in my hair. I heard sushing and soft singing, though I didn't understand the song. A cold cloth was placed on my forehead and I gradually started feeling better. My lungs filled up and I grabbed onto the the shirt of the person next to me and the tears finally stopped when I felt someone. I pulled myself closer to their chest and when I burried my head into his chest, I smelled the same scent I smelled when I put on the clothes I was wearing. His hand caressed my hair, the hand on my back didn't leave yet.

Time slipped my mind and I didn't know how long we stayed there, but when I finally could breathe normally, I let go, wiped away the tears that had left my eyes and as I did, countless of apologies left my lips. I looked up into his worried eyes and smiled, hopefully making it go away, but when he returned it, it didn't leave. ' I'm so sorry.' I said but he shook his head. 'Don't apologize, nightmares happen.' Don't apologize. His words struck my lungs and stomach, swirling, mixing and colouring the same colour as my anxiety. 

I started gasping for air once again and my chest heaved up and down and tears starting filling my vision again. His hands tried pulling me closer to his chest again, but I pushed away. I backed away from him as much as I could, until my back touched the wall. I curled my knees up to my chest and burried my head in my ball of limps, trying to breath, trying to bite away the anxiety. 'Y/N, what happened?' He said softly, but I couldn't bare his voice. The soft voice that comforted me before and tried to lift me up from the pool of pain I had try to drown myself in, became the cold hand that tried to condense the pool, and I wasn't ready to leave it yet.

' Please leave.' I told him. He climbed up further, I felt the bed dip in as he did, he I backed away from his touch. 'Leave.' I told him again, this time more prominent. The dip left and I realized he left when the door closed with a click. He had left me on my first night here, because I had asked him to. I wanted him to leave and now he is gone. I needed him back, wanted him to be with me, here. Why did I ask him to leave me?

I looked up and saw Hannah looking at me, scared. She had the cloth in her hands that she removed from my head somewhere when I hugged Chris, and it was dripping on my bed now. She didn't move, maybe she was scared of me, I didn't know exactly why, but she just stared at me in shock. I sighed and she finally moved as I did. I rubbed my eyes and face with my palms and lowered my knees, sitting crossed legged on the bed. I leaned my head back to where the wall met me and stared up at the ceiling. 'I can sleep with Chan tonight if you want to. You can be alone then.' Her voice sounded like a whisper, see through and hardly there. I shook my head. 'No, stay please. It's your room.' I said in a similar voice as hers. I knew she was full of questions, but didn't dare to ask them. I didn't want to explain. 

She still seemed very unsure of what to do. I sighed and looked at my pillow, not really wanting to sleep on it anymore. I got up and left the room, leaving a confused Hannah behind. The house was silent and dark other than the dim light visible in the crack of Chris' room. For a brief moment I wanted to go in there and ask what he was doing, but I realized I shouldn't be doing that. It wasn't my business and on top of that, I couldn't exactly send him away only to visit him again. I felt weird wearing his clothes, but I didn't want to go back into the room, so I went downstairs. The silence felt comforting and the darkness familiar. It was where I inevitably belonged, it seemed to be always there, where ever I went. I sat down on the leather couch, that felt cold under the fabric of my sweatpants, but that was okay. I leaned back and looked at the ceiling. Why was I here? Why did I bother going into a new life if my old life wouldn't leave me behind anyways? Why would I bother these people with my fucked up mind and destroyed childhood and not just leave? Yeah, I would do justice to them. They didn't need me, they had been so kind to me and all I brought with me were problems and worry. I cried in front of the younger siblings in the family, I made their mother worry probably about a thousand times in just one day and I pushed Chris away when he just wanted to comfort me. I am a horrible person. I don't deserve the love they give me. I am not worthy of being here, never was. I should just leave.

I should just leave. 

I got up and walked over to the big door that led me in the house. It wasn't too fancy, not intimidating at all. It was just a door, much less I'm used to. I searched on the ground for my shoes, but when I found them, they just stared at me. I thought back about the man in the bus. Just two days ago, I made a promise to make it all better, to make a better person of myself, to get myself a home. Is that what I have right now? A home? Or is it as per usual a house with the ghost of parents and a shell of siblings? I sighed deeply. I didn't want to leave, yet I wanted to. My feelings didn't make sense and it was frustrating. I remembered the words of miss Anderson. Breathe in and out. Nothing matters as long as I breathe in and out. I sat down on the couch, breathing in and out. I kept my eyes closed and my palm on my forehead.

Do I want to leave? They were the first ones to care, to be there during after I had my nightmare again. Even the first ones to invite me over to dinner. Maybe... Maybe I should stay, just for the night. My mind wanders back to the conversation I had with the man on the bus. Why did he care? Why did he want me to go look for a family? Why did it matter? Maybe he was someone I should meet in order to finally be part of something. Finally have a family. But why me? 

I sighed, weighing up me options for a sensible choice. It wasn't a good idea to leave. It felt comfortable to do so, but it would only bring regret. I had nothing, no food, no money, no place to sleep, if I left now. I had to stay, just for the night. I grabbed a pillow layed next to me and hugged it closer to my chest. Maybe I should just stay here for a while. Give Hannah the rest she deserves and go up to my room later. 

I was nearly drifted off to sleep when footsteps coming down woke me up. It took me a second to take in where I was and what to do. My breathing sped up and I tried grabbing my surroundings as good as I could. Then I saw the white couch, the fake flowers on the coffee table, the not so fancy door, and I realized I was sitting on the couch of family Bang. And I was okay, I was safe. My breathing went back to normal and I looked around to see the source of the footsteps, who was standing in front of the couch, looking at me. I couldn't see his face, other than a clear glistening of his eyes. His silhouette gave away he was a boy, Chris, unmistakably. I sat up more straight and pulled my knees to my chest, knowing I would get scoffed, but too scared and too tired to put up a fight. He would be right. I shouldn't have pushed him away like that, he was just trying to be nice. 

He came closer to me when he realized I was okay, or doing better at the very least. He took out his phone and turned on his phone torch so I could see his face now. He leaned forward and put it on the table before sitting down, further away from me than I needed him to be. I watched him carefully. The light of his phone gave his face a blue undertone and drew shadows on his lips, his nosw and his forehead. He looked up at the ceiling as I had done before I fell asleep. He looked peaceful, comfortable yet it seemed as though he didn't want to come any closer. 

'Why are you here? Downstairs I mean.' As soon as I spoke, I regretted talking in the first place. He looked down and rested his eyes locked in mine. 'I can't sleep.' He simply spoke. I couldn't make out what his emotion was, how he felt or what he felt. He just sounded somewhat.... Monotone. Tired. He looked back up the ceiling. 'I'm...' I started, nearly a whisper. It was so easy in my head, repeated over and over again. The simple words that wouldn't left my lips. It didn't seem to catch his attention though. He stared up at the ceiling as though I didn't speak at all. It somehow made it easier, like it didn't matter. Maybe if he pretended he didn't hear, I could pretend I had the guts to tell him. 

'I'm really sorry about just yet. I... I shouldn't have hurt you like that. I didn't know what overcame me and I guess I needed space for some reason and then I didn-' 'It's okay.' And with that the silence was settled. He hadn't looked at me yet, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I needed not to be so far away from him, yet I didn't dare to get closer. Maybe he sat so far away because he didn't want to be so close to me, maybe because he was scared of me being mean again. But then again, how he had been talking to me, how he had been smiling at me, the fact he immediately came to check up on me after he realized I had a nightmare. How he's still here after I pushed him away. I put the pillow next to me and got up. I walked up to him and sat down next to him, still not closing the distance enough, but better than before. 

I could hear his breath softly leaving his nose when he exhaled and I could see his eyelashes bat every few seconds. His chest heaved up and down on a steady pace and his chin was still tilted to the ceiling, gaze not changing. I wondered why he was here, why would he just.... Sit here? Do nothing? Why?

Maybe it was time for me to speak up, so something in me told me I should. Maybe it was his lack of interaction, or my need for it, but I needed him to talk to me. 'Aren't you tired?' He shook his head slowly, arms now crossed over his chest. A sigh of some kind left his lips and he looked frustrated for a brief moment, but soon enough that was gone too. 'I usually don't get tired. I just sleep because I have to.' His voice sounded soft and velvety, very much unlike the look he just just yet had on his face. The bags under his eyes were inevitably visible, yet they hadn't occurred me before and I couldn't help but think that maybe he was just afraid to go to sleep. Scared that the demons in his head were worse than the ones he nearly couldn't bare to face very day and for a second I thought that maybe, just maybe, he was just as broken as me.

I nodded carefully. 'Thank you.' I whispered, finally speaking the words I needed to tell him. He was caught of guard, finally shifting his gaze and turning his head, but I couldn't look at him right now, so instead I looked at my palms which I laid on my lap and playing with the pads of my fingers. 'Thank you for being the one I needed, or rather, what I needed. I have this exact same nightmare over and over again and I don't even know why. I always thought I needed someone to be there with me when I had my nightmare, but the moment I actually got it, the comfort I felt become somehow as painful as the anxiety causing my dream and I.... Didn't know what to do. I just needed to get the pain away and even though you weren't the source, you were the closest thing to it. I'm really sorry. I didn't know why I did it when a second later I needed you to be there again. I'm so sorry but... Thank you for coming to me without hesitation and thank you for listening to me when I asked you to leave.' This time he let me speak. The air around me became tight and I felt as though I couldn't move. Breathing was even hard, but I felt him look at me, so I looked back. His body was turned to face mine and his smile was back again. His arms were uncrossed and his left hand lifted to pat my head. 'Really. It's okay.' He said. 

His eyes wandered down to my shirt and I could read his gaze. 'By the way, that's my shirt.' I wanted to turn away in embarrassment, telling him sorry and give it back as soon as I could, but my muscles stiffened, so I just shrugged. 'I didn't have pyjama's and your clothes were to only ones to probably fit. And your dad's, but I don't think that'd be a good idea.' 'And mine were?' I wasn't sure on how to reply to that. How did I tell him it wasn't weird wearing clothes of someone your age rather than someone who could be your father? Or maybe in my case, someone who became my father. 'Do you mind?' He chuckled and shook his head. 'No, but that's the only shirt. We'll go shopping tomorrow if you need more clothes.' I shook my head at his words. 'Thank you for borrowing the shirt, but I don't think I have enough money to buy enough clothes.' I told him. 'Then I'll buy your clothes. You need them anyways and I don't really am prepared to share my closet anyways.' My eyes widened at his words and he let out another chuckle while making out a breathy 'What?'. 'You really are thinking about spending money on me?' 'Yeah?' His reply sounded more like a question rather than a statement, but that was fine. 'Why so surprised?' He asked. It looked as though this was the most normal case in the world to him, but somewhere it did made sense. He probably wasn't looking forward to share his closet with me, therefore offered to actually pay for my own clothing, yet the concept of someone spending money on me made me feel odd and plain weird. I felt cared for. 

'I'm not used to people spending money on me.' I replied, hoping to clear up some things and he nodded. 'See it as a welcome gift. Have you ever had an older brother?' I thought back of my years in different families. 'I wasn't born with a brother, however did once have an older brother in another family, but he usually pretended I wasn't there.' 'Well, see this as a welcome gift from your first older brother to care.' 


End file.
